The moment I realized that I wanted to create a miscarriage community. A place for us to share, collaborate and gather the miscarriage resources we needed to heal and start speaking more openly and honestly about miscarriage.
The reason I fell in love with this house was the guest bathroom. Bright and minimalist, it instantly made me feel relaxed. The warm grayish green tiles set below the birch wood vanity gave a bold contrast to the white walls and the ornately patterned tiles that ran across their mid line. The crown jewel of the room is the pristine white porcelain claw-foot tub. Oh, how I had always dreamed of a claw-foot tub!
This room became my retreat, my sanctuary. Several nights a week I’d fill my beautiful tub up with piping hot water and go to town experimenting with different bath scents, salts and oils. I’d turn off the lights and light some candles, some scented to enhance the mood and some not. I’d pick out a wine glass that fit the evening’s mood and fill it with a great full bodied Cab or deliciously light Pinot that would conveniently fit in the bath caddy my husband got custom made for me. I’d set my iPad on the same caddy and play some music or watch a show. Just me, my wine and my favorite tub.
It’s on the toilet right next to my safe haven where I find myself looking over to my right hand. There it is quivering, shakey and completely covered in a thick layer of rich red blood. The contrast in color between the bright brilliant red and soft pure white of the tub is almost mesmerizing. I stare at it, transfixed, as if by staring at it I will grab a few more seconds of pregnancy, of still being a mom, of still being with my baby. And it was in that moment I finally had clarity.
“ My only thought was you...You, who had experienced a miscarriage before me...You, who would experience it after me..You, who silently cried to herself...You, who wanted to crumble to the floor but still had a job to do, or kids to look after. My every thought was you. ”
We needed to talk about this, to scream about this! To share experiences and knowledge and resources and shoulders to cry on. We needed each other.
The overwhelming pain of a contraction snapped me back to reality. I need to start the change, I decided. I need to be the change. And with that, my baby fell into the toilet.
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